Isolation

Hello all. Nothing new, I just got bad again, since Wednesday. Why did I get bad? Easy, cause I had been thinking. I really don't know what is wrong with me, you know. I can't even tolerate myself sometimes and I just really want to thank those who have stuck around long enough to get used to my annoyance. I know with me constantly being like that, people will eventually leave and I swear none of this is intentional. So, really sorry and thank you.

You might not have thought of this but that day that I started to get bad, I was actually kind of suicidal but I'm glad it only lasted for awhile. I had the how and the why already but I haven't had the when. I mean it sucks to feel so worthless, it sucks to even think that you are no one's best. & I realised this, if you hold on long enough, God will have His own way in enlightening you. I recently just got this book "The Time Traveller" by Mitch Albom. If I were to take my life away that night, I wouldn't have the chance to read this chapter that I feel like is solely based on me. It's nothing much but having something you can relate to when you are feeling all so lonely inside is a really big consolation. It's like being given a really long tight hug only that you are all wrapped up by words - wonder of words. This is why I like reading so much. TV shows and movies might be entertaining but words in novels can do wonders. You're always given the chance to live different lives. Anyway, something bad happened to me again the next day and I came across some really terrible man made disasters articles. Then that was it, I've gotten so sick of humans. I don't even know how I'm gonna comprehend all that. That was when I decided I need to take a break from all the social websites and people in general. I deactivated everything and muted all my chats. I do not regret this decision.

"But hurting ourselves to inflict pain on others is just another cry to be loved."

Also, my primary intention was to see how much I'm worth to others, who would realise that I'm gone. But then I thought that it was really stupid and I just let it slipped. I don't even care now.

I call this isolating myself from people process the Cleansing Therapy. I intend to clear all the bads in me. I started on Thursday and I was actually really upset that no one noticed the first few days and that's when I stopped. I told myself that I don't need anyone to prove my worthiness. Just in case you want to know, only until Sunday that someone has finally realised I had been gone from the cyber world. If this takes so long, I wonder how long will it take for people to find my corpse when I die. But I don't even care anymore. Those were just-sayings.

Anyway, on Saturday, I woke up to the missing MH370 aeroplane news. I got so worried for all the passengers and felt so sick inside. I felt so bad for even thinking about dying when there are people on the plane that really want to live and probably don't have a choice. I'm not saying that there will be no survivors, whatever I'm saying is hypothetical. I'm genuinely worried for the passengers and crews on the plane. The plane is still not found yet and I pray and hope everyday that they will all be found dead or alive, preferably alive.

During my Cleansing Therapy, I thought a lot, about how to cure myself, how to fix all the misplugged plugs in me. I had been playing this game on my phone which you can pick your own actions and the story of the game will be based on the actions you picked. I had been very honest with what I would actually do if I were the character and it finally reached a part where another character told me, indirectly, that I'm self-centered. That explains so much. I always thought I'm badly accompanied but in fact, I'm a self-centered little shit. I want the whole world to revolve around me. Probably that's why I feel so upset when I realised I mean nothing to people but don't everyone want to mean something to somebody. I don't know. Also, I feel like I need to be more tolerable with some people. Yes, the things they said, the judgments they made might be sickening but they have put up with me for so long and it's only fair for me to do the same. On top of that, when they make snark remarks, let them be; when they sickens you with their affections towards others, let them be. After all this is the training I'll need to be a better listener and this is good training and at the end of the day, you are only answerable to yourself. I am only aiming to be a better person and not until I'm a better person than now that I can bring someone else up with me.

"When we are most alone is when we embrace another's loneliness." 

I've always thought that I was badly accompanied and I googled toxic friends. &who knows, most of the toxic friend's traits fit me better than any puzzle pieces. I have to pick the devils inside me out one by one and it's gonna take time and I don't mind. Rome was not built, then demolished, then built again in one day.

I'm not gonna lie. This Cleansing Therapy has worked really well. I felt a lot better than that day now. Maybe it's just time or it could really be that this worked. I don't know but I actually felt really good after all these isolation. I feel like I'm ready to face the world again. I might continue doing this occasionally. I'm still considering whether I'm gonna reactivate my Twitter and Facebook or not. Having those deactivated, I feel like I have a lot more time in my hands now. They are like leeches of time lol, sucking all the time out of me.The only social websites I'm still using now is Tumblr, Instagram and Blogger.

I can't stress how grateful I am to have friends and family for putting up with my shits. Thank you.

On the other hand, I've gone through my New Year's Resolution and I'm a little satisfied with my progress. I'm actually able to stick to some of them and it's good. Brace yourself, a new me is coming.

On a side note, I just received two text messages from my college today regarding my last Pre-U exam. I got no idea what happened. This three months literally flew by and exam is like in a month and I haven't started studying. Jia Sheng just being Jia Sheng, Jia Sheng need to shed into a new Jia Sheng.

The photo looked great on my phone but now mmmmmm.....

Also, I strongly recommend you to read "The Time Keeper" by Mitch Albom. It's a really good book.

"When you are measuring life, you are not living it."